帮忙修改一篇简单的英语短文★★

Question

拜托各位了，
大家改改错误，修改更好些吧。
包括语法、书写等。
拜托了，请仔细些检查。
还有加分。
原文如下：

A claas, a family

I'm a Grade Nine student from Dong Feng No.5 Middle School. My class, Class One, is not only made up of some techers, 54 students and a classroom, but also the emotions among every student.
Although my class isn't perfect, it just likes a family. Usually, we study hard and help each other. On the sports meeting, we cheered for our players and got good grades. In the tug-of-war, my class showed our power of unity and also became the No.1. I was shocked deeply again and again.
After several months, we'll graduate.But i believe everyone will remain our family in heart forever.

Answer 1

你的小作文语法掌握得相当不错，只是我提出一点修改意见供你参考：
1）I am a student of Grade Nine in **
2)made up of 不如用composed of更好
3）teachers漏了个a
4）emotion表示深厚的感情，是不可数的，所以不要加s
5）从努力学习、相互帮助转到运动会比较突然，时态也一下改了，这里最好有个过渡，What impressed me most is that on ……，如果你们还没有学到过这种句子，就简单加上For example,也好
6）grade是想表达什么呢？如果是成绩，那没必要用复数
7）became不如用won赢得（won是win的过去式），also好像没有必要
8）After several months 不如用Several months later
9）I在句中总是大写，你这里，我相信后面的I应该成大写
10）in heart有两点建议，一是最好要加上their，更重要的是中国人讲留在心里，英语不用heart而是用mind，所以这里宜改为remain our family in their mind forever
以上是就你的原文提出一点修改意见，没增加内容。

Answer 2

A classroom as a family
I'm a 9th grade student in Dongfeng 5th middle school. My class, room number One, is not only including some teachers with 54 students, but also full with the emotions among every student.
Although my class was not perfect, it looked like a family. Usually, we studied hard and helped each other all the time. On the sports field, we cheered for our players and we always got good score. In the tug-of-war, the students in my classroom showed off our power of union and also holded the first place. I was shocked deeply again and again.
In a few months, we'll graduate. I am pretty sure that everyone in my classroom will keep remaining in our school family in heart ever and forever.

班级：classroom

(Hi buddy, I almost spend twenty minutes for rewrite this story that you created for your lovely classroom, I were not for the 100 points, I really were touched by your heart with your classroom,that made me back to thirty years ago...)

Answer 3

A class, a family

I'm a Grade Nine student of Dong Feng No.5 Middle School. My class, Class One, is not only made up of some teachers, 54 students and a classroom, but also the emotions among every student.
Although my class isn't perfect, it just likes a family. Usually, we study hard and help each other. On the sports meeting, we always cheer for our players and get good grades finally. In the tug-of-war, my class shows our power of unity and also becomes the No.1. I have been shocked deeply again and again.
After several months, we'll be graduated.But I believe that everyone will remain our family in heart forever.

这是改完后的文章, 大错误没有, 所有改正都保持了原意~~~
~~~

Answer 4

A class, also a family

I'm a ninth grade student of Dong Feng No.5 Middle School. My class, Class One, is not only made up of several teachers, 54 students and a classroom, but also the emotion among us students.
Although my class isn't perfect, it is just like a family. Usually we study hard and help each other. On the sports meeting, we cheer for our players and get good scores. In the tug of war, my class shows our power of unity and again becomes the No.1. I have been surprised deeply again and again.
After several months, we'll graduate. And I believe everyone in my class will remain our family in heart forever.

Answer 5

在第一行.."Grade Nine"改为"nine-grade"...但推荐"Junior 3"

第二行...最好把"some teachers"改为"our teachers"比较顺口.
emotion在这里不恰当..改为"our friendship(友情)或group spirit(团队精神)"

第二段第一行..语法错误..."just like(没有s)"是短语介词, 应改为"it is/looks like"

第三行...把and后面的also去掉..不然是错的

最后一段....后面一句应该是"But I believe everyone in such family-liked class will remember these wonderful days forever."

关于团结..应该多列点例子..还有多余的话如"On the sports...good grades"最好少说..尽量使例子形成排比.group spirit

还有啊..学英语一定要不怕错,平时练习多点自由发挥,一定要认真听老师讲评,最好找老师面批作文~